i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
