So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.