Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
21 MILFs That Made The Boys Crazy
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
23 Ladies Who Have Mastered The Art Of Squirting
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.