I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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