You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
