I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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