I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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