My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I can't trust your balls anymore.
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