youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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