just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize
