if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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