Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
