Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
