so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
