It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Randomize
