i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
