I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
