The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
