I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Farmville is her only friend.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
