Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
