How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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