HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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