i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Just puked most of my soul out..
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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