I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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