my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
