Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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