i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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