I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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