dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
