It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
