i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
