She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
