"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
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