i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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