i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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