yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
