Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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