Acid is not a monday night drug
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
