I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
