if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Randomize
