just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
