I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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