There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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