I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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