im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
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