Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
