at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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