Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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