I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
