Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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