If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
