watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
