I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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