I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
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