What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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